I love that I’m at such a unique place in my life, being 20, and soon a college grad. But sometimes it puts me in an odd spot.
I often feel so young, because I am surrounded by so many people older than myself. Many of my dearest friends are at least 22, fresh out of college, and about to be married. Who could be bitter about someone who is truly a friend getting married? Though I am single, and currently without prospects of marriage any time soon, this doesn’t bother me as much as it once did. I am so young, and the Lord still has a lot to teach me before I’ll be ready to be the kind of Godly wife I want to be.
Oddly enough, and at the same time, I feel old, very old.
I eat dinner at 5pm, and have noticed lately that I am slightly hard of hearing, add to that, the mattress I sleep on isn’t the fanciest, so sometimes I wake up with back pain. These things make me feel old, but nothing compares to the startling realization that I am not moving back to school in the fall. Its dawning on me that I actually have to find a job and be a grown up, but I’m only 20, and lets face it, right now, I really don’t wanna…
I think being here is starting to drain me. The best word for the way I feel at the moment is weary.
I’m a strong ENFP, with some occasional Introverted tendencies. Here, I know I am exhausted because I don’t spend enough time with people who energize me, who are good friends and are honest about their lives. My Extroverted battery is running on empty, and my Introverted reserves are also rapidly diminishing. Though the E in me is lonely, I also don’t I spend enough time alone, away from the ever questioning voice of my beloved grandma. I never feel fully recharged, even though I go to bed hours earlier than I ever did at school. Does that make any sense at all?
For the first time ever, or at least since I’ve entered college, I feel homesick. Homesick for a dozen different places and a hundred different people all dear to my heart for different reasons. I miss my family, and my “real” home in Ohio, my friends and classmates at my school home in Indiana, my friend in Los Angeles, my Summer project community and home in Traverse City, heck, I even miss camp a bit, even though it was often miserable. Most of all, I miss my campus ministry and my weekly bible studies.
It bothers me greatly that I work at a church, and rarely have deep spiritual conversations with anyone here the way I do with the girls in my study at school. I really, really miss those conversations. I really need those conversations. And I don’t know if the fault for not having them is mine or others for not initiating them. Either way, it’s not okay.
Its not that I hate it here, I’m just really longing to be home, and if possible all of my homes at once. Like a child, I want to build a house where I can keep all of the people I love captive, even though the adult me knows that’s selfish, and no way to truly show love to anyone.
I’m glad that I only have a couple of weeks left, but know that when I leave here I’ll miss it too. I leave my heart in a million places it seems. But I guess we always miss what we can’t have, don’t we?